the world is entirely beauty, not meant for all of us to see.

I am so angry. I am so sick of judgement. I'm tired of fair and unfair. The inbetween. I want to scream so badly, it just drives me further into myself. But the kind of rage I feel is locked away. Unrealized. It portrays itself as calm. Not noticeable. No one would ever see me and suspect anger or hatred. Just sadness. After awhile it all just gathers together into compound sadness. And then, endless exhaustion. Why are strong emotionsso difficult to maintain, they take so much energy, and transform into an increadible burden. Is it really so hard to take a small step outside yourself and understand for one fucking minute. For Christ's sake the laziness is so God damn disgusting. What's the fucking point.
Anger, Rage, Terror, Fear, Agony, Grief, Pain, Suffering, Fury, Greed, Lust, Sanity, Wealth, and Potential.
Only rarely can I show my anger, its like untapped potential. I am out of place in my own home, I creep around like dust and gather where no one pays attention. I dont like to disturb the life that's going on here. I want to leave. I am annoyed all the time and I'm afraid of being alone. Like I need to be acknowledged to be alive.
I am so fucking angry at everything and everyonethat has led me here, because only right now exists and what you see in front of you must be the only truth there is. The rest doesn't matter, just the ending you fucking idiots. I find dependance revolting. I find laziness revolting. I need to leave my apartment more often because I only live in my room and the kitchen. I've stopped visiting the TV and the couch and I only visit the window when I'm alone. Pretty soon I'll stop visiting the rest of the apartment altogether, and there will be less dust. But the assumption of my laziness will linger. Along with my presumed propensity to gather and rest for long periods. It will still appear like I never leave because seeing the difference takes energy, precious energy from self. It's not energy easily sacrificed.

  posted by cake masher @ 11:10 PM

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