beautifulworld  

the world is entirely beauty, not meant for all of us to see.


 
I need to scream. I need to scream quite badly, but I havent got a means to escape somewhere where I will not have to explain this. I am so tired. I am so tired I dont want to move, the intermittent sprouts of energy are draining me. I want to sleep. I want to drown. This is getting no better, another week and I will know if those little pink pills are going to help me. One day, everymorning when I wake up there will be a giant ocean, and its magnitude and sheer vastness will inflict some sort of appreciation. One day, everymorning when I wake up, there will be a giant ocean, and there will be a meaningful purpose to how I spend my day. But today I will take one pill to get me through the day, and another to get me though the night. This is surprisingly what I prefer to the past. At least there is some relief at being finished with the day, and drugging myself to sleep.
I need to scream, I am so tired I want to sleep, but automatically I have the ability to smile and laugh and engage those around me, though I feel absolutely nothing at the same time - autopilot normality, and pre-programmed interaction. They have saved me from truly dealing with those around me, and that is true relief.
Relief.
I dont want to be here.
I dont want to be here.
I dont want to be here.
Please, some Relief.
Please.
It's so beautiful outside. Beautiful. I want to wake up ten years from now, and just have the memories of the past. This day is so long, this week. Speed up, no more years as long as the last. Please make this one tolerable.

  posted by cake masher @ 3:44 PM


5.10.2002  
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