beautifulworld  

the world is entirely beauty, not meant for all of us to see.


 
I feel terrible, I feel like I will not live until the summer. I feel trapped. My bones are always aching, my knees and hips burn, my back and feet are sore. I lie in bed and feel overwhelmed, especially just lying here. I never feel alright, I never feel good. I am disconnected from everything, including myself, pulling my features together into some identifyable shape isn't possible. I dont do anything right, I dont do anything well, and I have no control. I dont even know what I feel, or if I even do. I feel like I watch myself do things, not like I actually do them, and when I'm acting a certain way it's only because a preprogramed sequence kicked in right on queue. I think underneath my skin and buried in my mind, in a place I can't reach, I need to cry, or I am crying. I can't tell. I am so disconnected from there that only sometimes do hints make their way into my skin to let me know that I have no idea what's going on. I feel like I'm dying, I feel like no matter what I'm doing I'll still be dying. Even now something is terribly wrong underneath, something unbearable in going on and it needs to stop, it really really needs to stop. And I can't even go there to see what's going on. If the glimpse feels horrible then what can the real thing possibly feel like. My abdomen hurts, my head hurts, my body is always exhausted, and every minute goes by unacknowledged, and forever unrecognized. I feel numb, I sometimes feel despair and I feel sore, and that's it. I act responsive, and I act amused, but it's like I end 2 inches before my face does. My despair and numbness slam into the back of the faceplate, and in that 2 inch gap this other responsive amused person is generated and flies out of my face with absolutely no effort. And I just sit pressed up against the back of my face feeling nothing, watching and seeing what the face is doing. I'm not controlling it. It's like it decided to enter my body and control me but it only got my face and my skin and I feel nothing as I watch it. I control my body and when I dont get out of bed in the morning it's my desicion, as soon as I have to answer for it though the outside of my face can just explain it away, like nothing was ever wrong.
I feel like if someone touched me I would scream.

  posted by cake masher @ 3:29 AM


2.26.2003  
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